And I Shall Dub Thee...Smarmalade

According to the Urban Dictionary, which translates urban hipster slang into laymen's terms (such a great waste of time!!!) - the definition for the word smarmy is the following:

Smarmy: generally the stereotype of the greasy, unwanted people that hit on any given person (typically in a bar setting):
1. Oh my god, that guy that just offered to buy me a drink is so SMARMY!2. That guy that said, "Do you want fries with that shake, baby?" is smarmy.

I would like to offer a variation on the word smarmy, if I may - I heard it from my friend Sarah while sitting in a crowded (and flooded; more on that later...) bar in DC. Stemming from the root word smarmy - the new word is smarmalade - say it with me now - that's smar-ma-lade (rhymes with marmalade - that preserve the Brits spread on toast - consult Paddington Bear for more info) and the word is perrrfecct to describe the liquored up bastards that troll around the bars, never noticing the obvious back turning that follows their seedy sexual advances.

The DC bars have become thick with smarmalade...actually, it's not so much that they've suddenly become like this, they sort of always have been. Federal City attracts a disproportionate amount of smarmy bar folk who strike up "whitty" conversation with other patrons who couldn't be the least bit interested...in fact, they're mostly frightened and want to go back to their friendly conversations, but the smarmy fellow is not to be disuaded. Through their smarmalade stained beer goggles they lean in just a bit too close, precariously positioned at the edge of a bar stool; sweat and alcohol drifting from their pores and slurs flying out of their mouths - the eyes of those in the immediate area dart around, looking for an escape from the smarmalade. Perhaps a trip to the bar for another drink, or a sprint to the bathroom.

I discovered this weekend that there is one - and only one way to effectively get rid of smarmalade, and that is to bring the offender ever closer...and head butt them. This is what's known as the Primo effect...and, well...it's quite effective. So the next time you find yourself in this awkward position, know that smarmalade is a simply a fact of having a social life in DC and for you smarmy gentleman, if you wake up with a pounding headache, it's probably not from the jager shots.