Star Jones is the Pine Sol Lady

Up until very recently, I thought that Star Jones was actually the Pine Sol lady. I am prepared to defend myself with this side by side comparison.

I've had it with you Star Jones. You can't fool me with your faux fur and diva wedding...I know you're really the gap toothed grin behind that lemon fresh/pine scent.

Dear IRS, take my children...they are evil and expensive

I was shown this letter over the weekend, and thought it was worth sharing. This is a real letter send by a man whose dependent deductions were denied by the IRS:

Dear Sirs:I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility the the government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year.You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples questions about their returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives,inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, be sure to lockout the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21.She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you off set the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents(ask the other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards,pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it's really made of.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest at least I have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,

All Hail the Free Burrito

To celebrate Chipotle's "Summer Soul-stice" burrito giveaway, I thought i'd indulge my brother and reflect on the scourge known as P.F.F.S. (post fast food syndrome). We've all felt a little sluggish after a late lunch... perhaps even a little irritable. These are only warning signs of P.F.F.S, which closely mirrors Chinese Food Syndrome (symptoms include: discomfort, sweating, dizziness, and heart palpitations).

Upon further reflection, the P.F.F.S phenomenon does not come as a surprise, considering the food options and portions that are available for us young and poor slobs. Prime examples include any of the fast food venues in the Greyhound Bus Stations; any restaurants with the name "White Castle," "Checkers," or "Big Boy;"...and let's be honest, any restaurant in the Columbus, Ohio area.

When a Pennsylvania eatery introduced the 15 lb. burger...who do you think tried to tackle it? That's right- two competitive eaters from Ohio. If you're from Columbus, you may begin to snicker at this. Don't deny it- i've been to your town, and I too have tackled the "sack of ten."

That's an Extensive Collection of Knitwear

Gem Sweaters

This has been circulating around the office for the past couple of days, and at first I was afraid- very, very afraid. Now it's more like a train wreck; I just can't stop looking. Be sure to check out the Gem Sweater Music Video. You can even book Leslie Hall to play a show in your town...yikes!

Dual Sex Crab Found in Chesapeake

About a year ago, my friends had me convinced that the Snakehead Fish was going to walk right out of the Potomac River and attack me in my sleep. I guess i'm gullible like that. But the wonders of marine life in the D.C. area continue to get more and more creepy. Even more so than in my native NJ, where the Oyster Creek Power Plant adds some "color" to the wildlife.

The newest oddity around here is "Springer" the crab, who has both male and female reproductive organs. Named appropriately for the Jerry Springer show; she/he will live out the rest of its days among scientists at The Virginia Institute of Marine Science. If it were my choice I would have named it Jaime Lee Curtis and put it in a fish tank at Club Chaos....but that's just me!

Stifling Free Speech?

Ok, so this isn't the most fun or entertaining topic, but it's important none the less. My brother just emailed me this interesting article about how the commentary and content of blogs could potentially cost someone their job.

When bloggers share information relating to their employers (including trade secrets, product launches, and general office gossip) it has this funny way of getting back to their employers and (gasp!) clients.

Here's the deal- I love blogging. It gives me an opportunity to share things that I think might be of interest to my friends and others. I also believe in the freedom of speech and I think that blogs are a great way to exercise that right; but it's no surprise that the government and private companies are stepping in to put boundaries on it.

I guess the bottom line is to be smart about it. I mean, did the guy working for Google not think that the company would find out about his blog (which including information about potential Google products and future plans...) Google owns Blogger for Christ's Sake!!! Gahhh!

Alright...i'm getting off this rant. Read the article and let me know what you think. Back to the fun stuff, kids~

Play the Emo Game

I haven't quite figured out how to play this yet, but any game where the characters include Conor Oberst, Jenny Lewis and Ben Gibbard has to be good! Check it out!

Vin Diesel Bleeds Chocolate Milk

Random fact generators about Vin Diesel are fun. Refresh the page for hours of mindless entertainment.

Mass Exodus at FedEx Field

What do The Red Rocker (a.k.a Sammy Hagar) and country music star Kenny Chesney have in common? Apparently a Margaritaville attitude and a love of music, although Chesney fans seemed less than thrilled with Hagar's performance at FedEx Field during Chesney's "Somewhere Under the Sun" tour. Luckily, the combination of a shoddy sound system and my cheap seats prevented me from hearing most of Hagar's ramblings. I have to say, the view of the mass exodus that ensued was well worth the nose bleed.

Greyhound Bus Catches Fire in DC

There have been plenty of times when i've wanted to set fire to Greyhound, but it looks like their inability to maintain their buses has taken care of this for me. Check out the story.

R U Hungry??

I know I am! It's 12:15 on Wed. afternoon and there's nothing I wouldn't do for a Fat Cat from the Rutgers University Grease Trucks. Unfortunatly, the closest thing I have to that here in DC is the hot dog stand outside....boooo

And America Can, If America Says It's So...

In honor of the Supreme Court's decision to ban the use of medical marijuana, I think we should all relax and play a nice round of Hemp Jeopardy. There- now don't you feel better?... Me neither.

In sticking with the Americana theme; check out The Decemberists new video for "16 Military Wives" Here . Makes you kinda wish you did Model U.N in high school huh?

...And finally, one of my lifelong goals is to memorize the lyrics to R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as we Know It," as well as Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire." However, I clearly don't have as much desire or time on my hands as whoever created THIS.

Popped Collar Vs. Striped Shirt [Round 1]

There's been a lot of talk circulating about the popped collar phenomena that's been hitting the streets pretty hard lately (particularly M Street)...but let's not overlook some of the other mainstays of the metrosexual wardrobe such as the striped shirt.

The Magical Beer Scooter

Let's just say i've ridden it many times...

The Beer Scooter:

How many times have you woken up after a hard night of drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a "Beer Scooter" The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees or a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night. P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt!

"Breaking" International News

You've seen the steamy international striping news anchors, but you may never have seen news quite like THIS

5 Days Until the US release of Coldplay's X&Y

Coldplay will be releasing their latest album "X&Y" in the United States this Tuesday. Unfortunately, I missed the bands appearance at the recent HFStival due to some inclement weather, but check out the bands Summer 2005 tour dates as well as a chance to preview their new songs via "Coldplayer" before the official release.