A Jersey State of Mind

Urban Outfitters sells these t-shirts; maybe you've seen them...."NJ, Only the Strong Survive."

Although I laughed the first couple of times I saw someone wearing the shirt, I never really considered the fact that it's pretty much the truth. This became apparent to me on my latest trip home for Thanksgiving.

As I drove North on I-95, I noticed that the toll booth attendants became increasingly disgruntled the closer to NJ that I got. I received a "Happy Holidays" at the Maryland toll plazas; a nice smile at the Delaware toll plazas; and by the time I got to the Delaware Memorial Bridge, bringing me into my home state, I got a grunt and a head nod... ah, home sweet home!

City living is supposed to make you tough, or at least hardened. Maybe it's because DC is no longer one of the Top 10 Most Dangerous Cities . After nearly 5 years of living in DC, I don't feel as though I have to put on my suite of armor when I go out. Don't get me wrong - I get just as disgruntled as the next person concerning tourists and people who have poor Metro etiquette, but honestly...i've never seen a showdown in DC quite like the many I saw during Black Friday shopping in a NJ strip mall! And I wasn't even in North Jersey!

aggressive behavior is the only way to get things done in NJ, it's just a state of mind that everyone up there has. I have to admit that I wasn't able to shed my NJ shell right away, and I was tearing through the streets like a mad woman on my trip back.

I guess i'm finding that my decision to stay in DC is no longer purely motivated by the fact that i'm employed here and have great friends in the area. I'm comfortable with my life in DC, I feel at ease with people and the attitude in this city, and the more I go home to NJ, the more I realize that DC is the home where I want to be.

Organizational Behavior

Well... i've officially been out of college a full 6 months, which begs the question - Did college really prepare me for the "real world?"

I can't think of one class that has been directly applicable to my life as a professional. With all the money that I spent on books and hours I spent in lecture halls, none of it has truly prepared me for what I have encountered thus far. I think the closest that I came to the truth about the working world was in my Organizational Behavior course, where we were forced to go over flow charts and diagrams.

Ah, flow charts - here's where things start to resemble the real world! See folks, the fine authors of my organizational behavior text point out that there are four particular types of flow charts which include : the top-down flow chart; detailed flow chart; work (diagram) chart; and the deployment chart. However, they left out the most important one - the mother of ALL flow charts....The Shit Flow Chart!!

How could they have missed this one? I would hate to think that future generations will be robbed of this very important and useful piece of organizational behavior, so i'm going to break it down for you now -- The Shit Flow Chart is a diagram which details the snowball effect that a tiny turd has as it cascades its way down to the lowest echelons of the workforce. It may begin as a tiny cloud of gaseous stink, but by the time it reaches the bottom, it has the potential to turn into a full on shit storm.

The lowest echelons of the workforce are most commonly occupied by interns and recent college grads, so put your smocks on kids! You're in for one hell of a storm! The only way to effectively combat this process is to become a shit-slinger instead of a shit-receiver. This process is commonly referred to as a promotion. So basically, if you can withstand it long enough, you may have a chance of coming out clean in the end.

This little nugget of wisdom would have been helpful to me in college. I doubt the fine folks over at McGraw-Hill publishing would agree to the addition of this flow chart in their organizational behavior text. But then again, they could come out with a new edition (including the shit flow chart), refuse to buy-back the old editions, and mark up the price a mere 20-30%. This would effectively screw the students over...oh wait- it's a perfect illustration of the shit flow chart! Perhaps they taught this in college after all!!!

Common Sense Commuting

This morning, DCist posted an interesting piece on recent robberies occuring on the Metro. Apparently, gangs of teenagers have been mugging commuters in broad daylight during rush hour. Reading the unfortunate account of one woman's run-in with a gang of female teenagers who stole her Smartrip card and iPod (click title for link), I couldn't help but feel a little frightened for my own safety. Not because i'm worried that my personal belongings are going to get lifted off me by some delinquent high-schoolers, but because I feel that my short temper will one day get the best of me.

When it comes to fight or flight...I fall into the fight category. Point being - I would have given those little bitches one hell of a fight. If luck happened to be on my side, there's a chance that I would win. I'm pretty scrappy (shit-i'm a rugby player), but i'm not bullet proof. I'm not knife proof either. This is what troubles me.

For the most part, I trust my instincts and I have a pretty good sense of when a situation is going to turn bad. I've been known to change train cars if something or someone is giving me a bad sign. I cross the street at night if there's someone approaching me, no matter what their race or gender, and I tend to stay focused on my surroundings. Does this mean I won't ever be a victim? Hell no! But I think that a lot of crimes can be prevented by excersizing a little caution and common sense.

On a semi-related note, I do feel partially sympathetic to the woman whose items were stolen, but it's no surprise that Metro Police were of no help throughout the situation. As sad as it is, you can't trust people. Whether they're fellow commuters who could potentially come to your rescue, or the cops that are supposed to work to protect you....I know that much first hand. The bottom line is that when it comes down to it, you gotta watch out for your own ass.

It's Gonna Be a James Brown Christmas...

It's not even Thanksgiving and CVS is already a winter-wonderland complete with singin' santas and faux "icicle" holiday lights. A little early i'd say, but it's coming...faster than any of us think.

It's no secret that people either look at the holidays with a sense of joy or an impending feeling of dread. I think that these sentiments are mostly born out of family traditions- how we spend/suffered through the holidays of our youth. Everyone has their stories...here's mine:

James Brown single handedly saved every Christmas of my youth; turning would-be disasters into comical affairs that I still cherish to this day. If it wasn't for James Brown's "Funky Christmas" album, I don't know how I ever would have made it through.

My parents record collection is the anti-funk; consisting mostly of Carpenters and Buddy Holly records resting on a dusty shelf. Nobody knows how "Funky Christmas" made it's way into their collection, but it's existence is legendary among my siblings.

During the holidays, my dad's temper was always mere nano-seconds from erupting, especially as we tried to get the Christmas tree to stand upright in our living room. [I think they based the father character from the movie "A Christmas Story" on my dad- his obsenities are still hanging in a cloud somewhere above South Jersey]...this was compounded by my mom's uncanny ability to choose the most mangled Christmas tree on the lot. Normally, this would be a recipe for holiday disaster...here's where James Brown comes in...

As my dad is precarioulsy swinging from a ladder, trying to tie the Christmas tree to a nearby curtain rod and just about ready to smack the crap out of any of us youngsters within arms reach...my mom throws "Funky Christmas" on the record player.

This scene played out year after year, mostly because you just can't be mad when James Brown launches into his version of "Santa Clause is Comin' to Town." And thus, order was restored. We'd all end up laughing at that crazy album and realizing that nobody really cared if the tree stood at a 45 degree angle anyways. Oh, and my dad's special eggnog (with at least 90% alcohol) helped too.

So when I think about the holiday season approaching, I like to sit back with a bottle and laugh about how wrapped up everyone gets with the little stuff and just smile, remembering our leaning Christmas trees and James Brown breakin' it down.

Do You Have the Bandwidth?

One of the things I thought I would miss most about college was the opportunity to study foreign languages, but i've discovered that navigating the literary landscape of office meetings can be just as difficult as trying to conjugate a word into the subjunctive.

I honestly try not to look completley stupified during these verbal exchanges, but sometimes I just don't know how to respond. Here are my two recent favorites:

1) Do you have the bandwidth?
Ok, when I think about bandwidth I think of 8th grade science class and learning about frequencies and waves and measurments of tiny increments like hertz. I feel like responding "Well yes, I do have the bandwidth....but what's the frequency Kenneth?"

note to self: When mgmt. asks if you have the bandwidth, respond yes and watch as the paperwork piles up on your desk. It means you have agreed to do something that someone else totally bailed on.

2) Can you provide me with a straw-man?
This question was posed to me right around Halloween, so I was certain that I was being asked to decorate the office for the season. This was not the case. I'm glad that I didn't run out and purchase a bail of hay and start stuffing some old clothes.

note to self: a straw-man is a proposal that's in its informal beginning stages. A "rough-draft" if you will.

I wonder if Texas Instruments makes an electronic translator for office lingo...

Metro Savings Calculator

You just can't put a price on sleeping in an extra half-hour, but after using Metro's online savings calculator i'm starting to rethink my lazy habits.

By Metro's estimates I save close to $100 each month by riding Metro to work rather than driving. The only problem is mornings like today...my iPod ran out of battery life on the bus, I waited for 20 min. in the Farragut West station for a train, got into an altercation with a crowd of people that were huddled by the doors like their lives depended on it while the middle of the train car was deserted...and got to work late...

Bleh! At least I didn't have to budget time to get to the voting booths this morning. I'm sure that was a total hassle onto itself, but i'm def. interested to see who comes out the winner in VA...

"If Tupperware Made a Car, It Would Be the Honda Element"

Since the Honda Element was introduced a couple years ago, i've been trying to find some way to accurately describe it. I think my friend David hit the nail on the head - If Tupperware made a car, it would indeed be the Honda Element.

There's just no better way to put it.

Breaking News...No Bull (semen)

Frederick County's stolen bull semen case...

"I will give a nice fat reward for any information on semen that was stolen from my tank today," Fleming wrote in a message posted on the Breeders' World Web forum this week.

I'm no detective Mr. Fleming, but you may want to interrogate the local 4-H club. Damn kids these days...

May I have my "fat reward" now?